Monster Book of Monsters
by Vanwilder
Summary: One-shot. Crackfic. The Monster Book of Monsters has escaped, and Harry must try to find it. Will he have what it takes to capture a particularly vicious Book?


_One-shot Crackfic. Read at your own peril._

"Finally found you!" Harry exclaimed.

The book looked innocently back at him. But Harry wasn't fooled for a moment.

"Don't give me that look. I know it was you."

The Monster Book of Monsters sighed and opened to page 169.

"I am not looking for tentacle monsters... Oh god not again." But he was too slow. The book was already half way across the room.

"Stop! I said, STOP!" Harry shouted, while firing a hasty stupefy at the book. In another world, he may have hit the book and the story would have ended here, but as Luck wasn't with him, he missed.

"Merlin dammit!" Harry cursed.

He supposed he _could_ simply ask Hermione, but that would again not help the plot. So he ignored the logical part of his brain and started looking for the book.

He exited the dorms quickly. Why Hagrid had to assign that book was beyond him.

_'Is Hagrid a closet sadist?'_ some dark corner of his mind asked. After searching for twenty minutes and not finding the damn book, the rest of his mind agreed.

Abandoning the book as a lost cause, Harry stomped over to the library to borrow a new one. As he entered the doors, he only had a glimpse of the accursed book peeking from between one of the aisles before it disappeared.

"Oh you want to play huh? I'll show you what an angry Harry can do."

He cast a silencio at his shoes and ran full tilt to that aisle. After adjusting his glasses back to proper on his nose ('_I really need to learn that stability charm_' he thought) he started perusing the shelves.

"Where are you, oh naughty naughty book? Come out so I can burn you!" He whispered as he looked, not wanting to draw Madam Pince's attention. The book was nowhere to be found.

Suddenly he heard a loud 'thud' sound, and saw a random book hit the floor.

He looked up, and sure enough, the Book was looking back from the top row. Harry didn't know how, but he was sure the book was smirking maliciously. And then it started toppling more books.

Having a very good sense of self preservation, Harry immediately whipped out his Invisibility Cloak and disappeared from view. And not a moment too soon, because a pissed Madam Pince chose that moment to arrive.

Harry prayed to Merlin, Morgana and Holy Gryffindor, that the Librarian not notice him. Her legendary hatred towards those who abused library books was hardly a secret; even Snape knew to return her books back on time.

He held his breath while she scanned the aisle. Several long moments passed before she sighed and started arranging the books back on their shelves.

Finally she turned and went back to her desk, and Harry exhaled.

Harry regained his composure, and again started looking for the book. He heard a gentle 'trot-trot' on the floor. The book was jumping along to another aisle. Harry lunged at the book, but the book was faster. It dodged Harry's fastest attack. When Harry looked up, he saw the book parted midway through, and a single page fluttering at him. He got the distinct impression that the book was blowing a raspberry at him.

The book then disappeared into another shelf. If Harry was angry before, boy was he furious now. After all, not many could boast of being outsmarted by a bloody book.

He saw the banner of 'Restricted Section' on the shelf, but he didn't care anymore. That bloody book would rue the day it was purchased by Harry Potter.

He jumped back up and ran. As soon as crossed the boundary, the lights dimmed, giving Harry pause. This was new. He could hear a sound, almost like a pack of wolves howling in the distance. He would know that sound, Professor Lupin had ensured that. Slowly creeping along the aisle, he cautiously looked at every tiny movement, every small rustle of paper.

Harry found the Hell in Paperback casually leaning against a shelf labelled 'Books Not Meant to be Read.' The shelf held a series of enchanted books, each straining against a thick chain keeping them in place. One book was so terrifying that Harry actually took a step back. He looked at his own book, daring it to try to run again. The book just stood there, looking at him, as much as a book could be said to look at anyone.

Harry thought that the book had finally surrendered to his superior being, but had no idea how wrong he was. As his hand crept towards the book, the book in turn started undoing the knot on the chains. Harry stopped quickly. So that was how it was. Harry's eyes met the Book's eye-shaped holes, and an intense staring battle started. Sweat poured down Harry's brows and the book started to fidget, but it wouldn't let go of the chains. The books on the shelf continued to gnash their pages in an attempt to escape.

It was the book that slipped. Harry instantly swooped down to catch his book, but he was too late.

The book that had terrified him before was freed from its captivity, and it was _angry_. When Harry squinted, he could make out that this book was an older version of Monster book of Monsters. As Harry prepared to cast his protego, he was surprised to find the Old Book fighting the New one.

The new one was more agile and easily dodged the other book's attacks. It swerved, it fluttered, it ripped. But the Older one was more experienced. Slowly but surely Harry's book lost the fight to death.

The Old book stood over his conquest. The other books were cheering him on. The older Book held both covers of the new one, looked at it in the eye shaped holes, and savagely tore it apart.

Harry couldn't look anymore.

He started slowly walking back towards the entrance. When he was about to get away, one of the Minion Books alerted the Old one. Harry knew it was now or never. He madly dashed towards the exit. He made out of the Restricted Section just in time. He looked back and saw the other books standing at the very edge. The Old one drew one page through the centre of its cover, its meaning crystal clear. Harry fearfully nodded in the affirmative.

He ran back to his dorm and curled up for the rest of the day into the following night. Ron tried to get him to talk, but whenever Harry looked at Ron he saw the horror that was the Old one, and started sobbing again. Ron shrugged and went back to playing chess, it wasn't the first time Harry was acting all moody.

The next morning Harry was able to talk to his dorm-mates again. He went to have breakfast, and went back to his bed. Since it was a weekend, he was able to avoid Hermione. It took him till Monday before he went back to his former self. He joked and laughed again, but he never quite forgot That Book. He never again ventured inside the Library. He tried to stop Hermione from doing so too, but she was too stubborn. Miraculously, she didn't find anything strange.

He also refused to allow Hermione to take his cloak for a visit to the Restricted Section. Hermione was annoyed with him, but Ron was happy. More time to spend with his mates was always great in his books.

As the year progressed, many students complained about their books being ripped to shreds. Each incident happened when the books were left unattended in the library. Harry learned to ignore the incidents, even as they began to occur more frequently.

He said nothing the next year, when a Ravenclaw reported the same thing happening in their common room, which had a small library of its own.

By that point, the legend had grown in the telling, and the entire school knew to guard their books closely. The tale of the Old Monster Book went from a cautionary tale to a legend in its own right, taking its place alongside the dangers of the Forbidden Forest and the 'Hallway of Painful Death' from their first year.

Harry looked down at the shredded textbook in the corridor outside the common room, and shook his head. The Fat Lady's continued screaming, he ignored. "Four more years," he muttered. "I have to survive this for four more years…"

AN: The story in its current form was only possible with the help of "OlegGunnarsson". Go check him out. He is a fantastic writer and a great Beta.

The story ends here. If someone wants to continue it in their own story, all you have to do is mention me and you're good to go.

_Lectio Beatus!_


End file.
